Wow, what a week! I feel like I was stretched in every which way this week. All in all though, now that I am looking back, even with the hard times, it was a great week where I really saw the hand of God in my life.
This week, I think I am most grateful for prayer and its power. I love those moments of connection where I can communicate with my Heavenly Father. Even the little prayers over meals or in random moments walking around campus this week provided me necessary comfort.
I am not quite sure when I first experienced this, but I have realized that I feel closest to Him when I truly open my soul and pour out all my thoughts and feelings to Him. I counsel with Him. I cry to Him. I seek His guidance. And He responds with love every time. There are times when I go to Him like that, and all I feel is love, which provides me with the comfort and peace I need to know that everything will be alright. There are other times when I receive a short line of response in my mind that I know are not my own words, but His, and it is exactly what I need to boost me up and allow me to continue forward.
At the beginning of the year, there was a great devotional where Sister Wendy Nelson (wife of Elder Russell M. Nelson of the Quorum of the 12 Apostles) spoke about desperation, and it has been something that has stuck with me. Here are a few lines I like, "When we’re desperate to be guided by heaven, we work harder than ever to tune in to heaven. ...When we’re desperate for any gift of the Spirit, that is when we will finally pray with all the energy of heart for that gift. And the great news is that each spiritual gift we receive takes us one more step forward into our true selves." Alma 34:18 says, "Yea, cry unto him for mercy; for he is mighty to save."
I love the idea of praying with desperation. I learned a lot about that on my mission. Thinking about it now, I am reminded of so many times when I would fall on my knees and pour out everything I had to give, pleading for His help or comfort. One time that sticks out to me was one such prayer. It was after a hard day, so I went out in our living room and started saying a prayer out loud and describing everything that I felt I could not overcome, As I was knelt down crying, I had the image come to my mind of Christ in a similar kneeling position in the Garden of Gethsemane. I knew in that moment, that He was kneeling beside me, pleading for what I was pleading for, crying over what I was crying over.
This week I learned again about praying with that desperate, fervent attitude. I would start off my morning prayers, consumed by my gratitude for another day that I had been given to try to improve. I would be led to ask certain questions, always receiving answers. When I was not on my knees praying, I felt like I was drowning in uncertainty and confusion; but when I prayed, I only felt peace and comfort.
God's love is so overwhelmingly powerful. I cannot express my gratitude for my Father who guides me and loves me completely. Sometimes my soul wants to burst from the happiness that I feel when I think of it. I could go on and on, but instead, I will end with a scripture:
Therefore, fear not, little flock; do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail. Behold, I do not condemn you; go your ways and sin no more; perform with soberness the work which I have commanded you. Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not. Behold the wounds which pierced my side, and also the prints of the nails in my hands and feet; be faithful, keep my commandments, and ye shall inherit the kingdom of heaven. Amen. (D&C 6:34-37)
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