My Honest Story: Battling Depression and Anxiety

May has been dubbed Mental Health Month in order to better inform people of how to recognize, battle, confront, and prevent mental health disorders in themselves and in others. 

I decided I wanted to share my story. 

Even if I write it for myself, it helps to get it out somewhere. Though it would be my wish that my words can somehow help someone else too. 

My Depression Story:

I returned home from my LDS mission in March 2015 after having completed some of the best eighteen months of my life. When I came home, I found that life was not quite the same as it was when I left. I had new challenges to face. I do not know what spurred the depression, but it came and has not left.

Depression is not a rare thing in my family; I have seen firsthand close family members suffer from it. So when I started feeling a certain way and I shared it with my mom, she thought she had a clue for what it was. I saw a counselor for a little bit, but then the stress of money made me stop going, though the feelings did not go away. 

I shared some of my feelings with a friend, but he claimed that "depression was not real. It is something people make up in their heads." After that, I closed off to many people for months, hiding my feelings. It was not until my faithful roommate asked me how I was, truly, and I broke down in tears, confused and exhausted. She encouraged me to get help and to see a counselor at the university, which I did, and upon his diagnosis, he recommended that I start taking antidepressants to counter the effects. 

That was rough. Everyone's system works differently, and so finding the right pill with the right dosage is really just an experiment. The first pill I was on led to major side effects, including even more dark and suicidal thoughts. After switching, there was still an adjustment, but it worked for a time. At this time, I am on the same pill, though the dosage has been increased. 

I remember at the beginning before I was taking medicine. I had a literal fear for what the next day would bring. If I was having a bad day, I seemed to be stuck in the moment and I figured the next day would be the same. If I was surprisingly having a good day, I was grateful, but in the back of mind was the thought that it might not be the same the day after. I remember one time I was being set up on a blind date; I was so scared that when it came, I would be having a bad day. The whole week before, I begged God to give me a good day so I could be myself for a little bit. 

Now here I am. The medicine helps, but it does not eliminate the bad days. I have learned to take it one day at a time. 

Here are some of the effects depression has had on me (which are common to other people with depression): 

Thoughts: One time when I was super depressed, I decided to record some of my thoughts. 

•  "I look at pictures of myself happy and it doesn't seem like me. Why can't I be that person?"
• "I want to run away. But what would be the point? The problem is in me, so I can't get away."
• "I am broken and messed up."
• "I am drowning in myself. As the thoughts get darker, I sink into myself, desperate to try to hold on to something on the outside, but then I lose the battle and then it's just me, left to sit alone, empty, staring at the world around me, but not actually being a part of it."
• "If I curl up tight enough, my world can be safe." 
• "Why do these thoughts consume me? My soul feels like yelling, screaming for help, reaching out for anything, pleading for someone to notice the battle that is happening inside me."
• "Sometimes people do notice, but it's only with a very limited few with whom I don't pretend that everything is alright or will eventually be alright. I definitely have become a great pretender on the outside, when on the inside my soul is breaking."
• "As the feelings wash over me, I try in a last ditch effort to mentally try and reach out and hold onto anything stable, but then it washes over me and I am gone, sometimes to the point that I literally fall asleep because the thoughts were so exhausting."
• "Why is it sometimes the hardest thing to just make myself stand up?"
• "There are two Nicoles. Happy Nicole, who fears when Sad, Depressed, Broken Nicole comes back."

Physical Effects: Literal exhaustion. lots of weight loss, no appetite (sometimes for the whole day - I have to make myself eat sometimes), changed sleep patterns, hard to concentrate, foggy brain.

Social Effects: Withdrawn from people (I never want to seem like a burden or to drag other people down), forced to pretend to be happy, difficulty finding the motivation to start tasks.

My Anxiety Story:

Stress has always just been a part of who I am, but anxiety took it to another level. I had my first panic attack on my mission. I was going to be leaving the area where I had been for 8 months, and one of my favorite people that we were teaching had just told us that he could not do it anymore. My soul broke, and for some reason, I just went to the kitchen, and sat against the cabinet with my knees closed in to my chest. My companion went to the other room and gave me some space. As I began analyzing literally everything I had done and what I had done wrong, my thoughts started to go crazy. I had a million things running through my mind, and before I realized it, my breathing was fast and loud and my heart was pounding. I had lost complete control. It was getting harder and harder for me to catch my breath, and I started to feel as if I would faint. It scared me, so I tried to think of anything, and my mind grasped onto an image of Christ pulling Peter out of the water. That helped draw me out of it, but I still felt faint the rest of the day. 

I have had several panic attacks since then, either when I feel I am losing control or when I feel "unsafe" in my environment. Sometimes I would be in a group and I felt like I was doing my best, and then someone would say something that was harmless to them, usually in a joking manner, that would break me. I would try my best to control myself until I could escape and break down into a panic attack. They have usually been all the same. I curl into a tight ball, and I begin to cry, which can turn into hysterics as my breathing becomes uncontrollable. I am usually trying to tell myself, "You're okay" over and over. It sounds crazy.. for me, they are just scary. 

"It may seem irrational to you, but what I am anxious about is very real for me."

I have not had a panic attack for some time. I feel like I have found better resources and ways to manage it. Though that does not necessarily mean that I still do not live in fear of when the next one may come... 

Some of the Things I have learned:

Ya know, it actually feels really good to get that all out and to acknowledge it. And what is even better is that now we are getting to the good stuff. God never lets us go through hard things without helping us benefit and learn from them somehow. Here are just a few of the things that I have learned or realized:

1. Christ is the source for strength. I feel like this is perhaps the biggest lesson that I have learned through it all. Often in the moment of all these hard things, I forget to turn to my loving God to find help. It is there waiting for us. One specific experience: There was one day where I just was having the hardest day just even getting out of bed. I woke up and the thoughts were hitting me, and I just wanted to go back to sleep, though I had things to do. I laid there for a while, asking for God's help, but I did not feel anything come. I eventually slowly dragged myself out of bed, and got on my knees to pray. As I begged for Christ's strength, I felt all the depressing thoughts go away. When I stood up, I felt strong and ready to face the day. I just had to take the first step, and then He stepped in. 
2. God is molding me. At first, I was so mad at myself. Depression and anxiety were turning me into someone I did not want to be. I liked who I was: a person that was able to focus on others more than herself. But depression just seemed to make me seem so selfish! I feel like I cannot be the person I want to be. However, the more important thing is not who I want to be, but who God wants me to be. He is obviously giving me this trial to develop traits and a character different than who I was in the past. Who that is, I do not know, but trusting that God knows helps me to keep fighting. 
3. Reach outwards. God often places people in our lives to help us face to face when we cannot do it ourselves. Even though opening up left me vulnerable, it always helped to talk. This step has been a long process, and at first, it was hard to open up and to express how I was feeling. In addition to this, I have learned that even when I am sad, when I reach out to focus on someone else and their needs, it helps me. I remember one hard day back in fall semester when I felt consumed by my thoughts. I was walking with someone home after a class where we talked about authenticity of self. I wanted to be who I felt I used to be; someone that looked out for others. I remember looking at my friend, giving her a smile that I feel had been lost for some time, and asking her how she was doing. It sounds so simple, but my soul filled up with happiness at this, and the sun seemed to be shining a little brighter afterwards.

Seriously - this is the BEST way to help. 

There is Hope!

The best advice that I have ever heard for depression is a talk called, "Like a Broken Vessel" by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland (read the full version here). 

My favorite part: "Trust in God. Hold on in His love. Know that one day the dawn will break brightly and all shadows of mortality will flee... Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed... I bear witness of that day [in the Resurrection] when loved ones whom we knew to have disabilities in mortality will stand before us glorified and grand, breathtakingly perfect in body and mind. What a thrilling moment that will be! I do not know whether we will be happier for ourselves that we have witnessed such a miracle or happier for them that they are fully perfect and finally 'free at last.'"

And to end, what better words could I leave then a few scriptures that have calmed my soul and brought me peace? 

• 1 Corinthians 10:13: "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."
• 2 Nephi 4:26: "O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?"
• Alma 36:21: "Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy." (Knowing the bad can help us recognize the good.) 

I love each of you so much! I would love to talk with anyone about these things or about your own experiences. Together we can overcome! 

Other Pictures for Semester Restoration Project (Prepare for long post - but it's a good one!)

Back in February, I posted about a project that I was doing for religious Foundations of the Restoration class. For the project, I wanted to express what the Restoration means to me by taking various pictures. I have included two of those ten below in other dates; the rest are included here. Enjoy!

When I started the project a few weeks ago, I did not have an overall theme for the pictures. However, as time went on and I continued to take pictures, I noticed that I took a lot of them that involved some sort of aspect of light. When I noticed that, I decided to include light in the other pictures, especially of the natural light of the sun.

Individual Love

Picture 3: For me, when I have a question that I would like to ponder and think about, I like to escape to the mountains. There I seem to feel closer to God, and in the quiet and the peace, I usually have powerful, individual experiences. I think there is something unique about going out among God's other creations, and realizing that among all the surrounding beauty, that I am one of His most cherished creations. We were created to be like Him. He loves us as His creations and as His children, and because of that we can seek Him. 

I think that is something that the Restoration has helped me to realize: that God really does know and love me individually. Through restored scripture, I come to know better His nature and how to establish a relationship with Him. 

I know He loves me through the light that He continually shows me and especially through the gift of having the Gospel in my life.

Guidance

Picture 4: Along with that, I am grateful for the Restoration, that all began with a simple boy's prayer offered in faith. Joseph Smith wanted to know what God would have Him do, and he went right to the source. His life would never be the same afterwards. 

Similarly, I believe we all must have those moments where we need to know what God would have us do. When we are lost and have no idea where to go, He is there. We can express our souls and the options we are considering. We can ask Him about our doubts, and in combination with study and faith, they can be cleared up. 

I feel like often for me, if I have a question about some sort of doctrine that I do not understand, it troubles me at first. However, because I have learned how to access the true source of knowledge, I can pray and either I am taught what I need to hear or I am simply blessed with peace. Even if they have not been completely resolved, I have learned to trust patiently in God and the simple, beautiful peace that He provides. 

Grow Towards the Light

Picture 5: The other day as I was walking outside, I saw these beautiful little flowers growing up close to a sidewalk that is probably only trafficked by BYU students returning home after a long day. They may not be noticed, but I am glad I had the opportunity to observe them. I knelt down to snap a closer picture, but I noticed that these small undesired flowers seemed to possess an unspoken strength about them. 

First, I think that strength comes from the fact that they are growing in the direction towards the light. They are all bent forward, waiting for the gentle touch from the sun's rays that provides necessary nourishment. We can have a similar quiet strength as we seek to rely on our source of light, Jesus Christ. 

Second, other strength comes from the fact that they are found in a group. One of these flowers found alone would have still been beautiful, but the fact that they grow together makes a bigger statement about the importance of good support systems. 

I believe that the Restoration helps us develop both of these kinds of strengths. Through learning to rely on Christ and on others, we are able to triumph. 

Love has no Bounds

Picture 6: I think one of the most beautiful concepts that came through Joseph Smith as part of the Restoration was the knowledge of eternal marriage and eternal families. Death has no sting, knowing that life continues beyond the grave, and that through our good works, we have the opportunity to live forever with those we love. Love is not confined by fear of future loss, but rather is expanded knowing the immeasurable expanse of life after death will be filled with the company of those that mean the most. 

I think knowing that a marriage is for eternity can help a marriage stay strong. A husband and a wife sealed in temples are on the paths to eternal progression together. In all the happenings of eternity, one can know they have the companionship of their partner. I think that strengthens and enlivens love.

I especially look forward to finding the people that I met on my mission that I might not see again in this earth life.

Ensign and Light to the World

Picture 7: Guided by the light, we can stand for truth in a world that so desperately needs it. The restored gospel has helped me to learn how I can by true to myself as I stand bravely (and sometimes alone) for my beliefs. The commandments unique to the Restoration are some of the ones that most protect us from physical or spiritual harm, and standing for them when all the world opposes only brings joy. 

Indeed, when we make our first promise with God through baptism, we promise to, "stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God..." (Mosiah 18:9). 

Happiness

Picture 8: This is Christine, and she is one of the happiest people that I know. I mean, look at that smile! She just glows with happiness and light. I think that is a natural effect that comes through the restored gospel. 

My second mission president would always say, "If you aren't doing missionary work cheerfully, you are doing it wrong."

Doctrine & Covenants 123:17: "Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed."

I think back to the times that I have felt the happiest in my life (like we are talking pure, uplifting, fulfilling joy), and all of those experiences go back to something involving the gospel.

Perseverance 

Picture 9: I remember reading this quote during my mission, and it has been a concept that has stuck with me ever since. I just spent twenty minutes trying to find the exact quote, but I had no such luck - darn! I will try to summarize it, though it probably will not compare: Life is like trying to swim uphill against the current, and although sometimes we would like to stop for a second to rest, we have to keep going.

For me, one of the biggest blessings and perspectives that the Restoration has brought to my life is the unique view that it gives me of trials. Joseph Smith, Prophet of the Restoration, was well-acquainted with trials; however, a verse while he was in jail still brings comfort to God's children who are righteous even in the midst of hard trials. It says, "...and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good."

Knowing that God has a plan for me and that the hard times as well as the good are molding me helps me to embrace challenges much better.

I would not be me without the gospel.

Picture 10: All this might seem like a lot, and maybe even a little disjointed, but I hope that no matter how flawed my writing may seem, that y'all can understand how much I love the restored gospel. I do not understand everything, but I understand enough to know that it is true.

The Restoration has brought light to my life. Just as it began with "light brighter than the noonday sun", I can feel that same light in my life. I feel purpose, happiness, and duty.

Sometimes I wonder to myself what I would be like if I had not been blessed to have the gospel in my life, and it is hard to imagine. I know my personality is naturally one that likes to be obedient, but how much different would I be if I did not know of these truths? If I did not understand where I came from, or why I am here, or where I am going someday? If I did not feel the love of God in my life often? Where would I be in life?It helps me remember how blessed I am, because fortunately, I will never have to know what it is like to not have the gospel in my life. I have been molded by the teachings and by God, and I look forward to the future years to see how my witness of the Restoration grows and increases.

I hope y'all do not mind my blabbering; I just hope you know how much this means to me. I cannot even state the magnitude of how important it is to me. I love the gospel and I love each of you!

*A big thank you to those who let me take their picture for this project!*

The Recipe that Cures All Doubt

Hey y'all! I thought I would share with you one of my favorite recipes that I learned in Kentucky and that I still use now. It most often was used when I was discouraged or down after a long day, and it was a great pick-me-up! Hopefully you enjoy it as much as I do ;)

This recipe calls for a few ingredients:

• Good dose of faith
• Time to dedicate to prayer
• Desperation (I talked about this in my blog post a couple of weeks ago)
• Humility 
• A loving, ever-patient Heavenly Father

The Steps: 

1. Gather up the first four ingredients (faith, time, desperation, humility) before kneeling down. 
2. Begin an earnest prayer to Heavenly Father. Talk with Him about how the day went. Tell Him the good things as well as the hard things.
3. Hold nothing back. Be vulnerable to Him. Let Him in. 
4. Key to Cure Doubt: At this point, ask Him His opinion on how you did today. 
5. After this, be prepared to listen. He will answer.
6. Accept this answer and be satisfied. 

This was probably one of the biggest lessons that I learned on my mission. Trying to analyze my own day was often discouraging; I would be hard on myself and then depressing thoughts would come. However, I always knew that if I ended my day by asking God how He thought I did, I was always greeted with love and satisfaction. He knew I had given my all. I was then able to go to bed and sleep soundly, knowing that the One with the most important opinion was happy with me and my work. 

Sometimes when I would ask this, there were things that would come to my mind that I knew I could try better on the next day. That did not mean that I failed, but rather that I could have hope through Christ and repentance that I could change to become better. 

I think the best thing (and here is where the recipe comes in) is that when I received an answer from Heavenly Father like this, I never doubted. I knew I had done good and no one else could tell me otherwise because the most powerful Being had already helped me. 

One of my favorite times of doing this during the mission was after I received news that I was going to be transferred from the area where I had served for 5 transfers, or 8 months. It was a hard area, but it was the area where I grew the most. My companion had already gone to bed, but I was still on my knees, pondering what effect I had had in that area. As I prayed and asked God if I had done what I needed to there, I was filled with peace. Then memories of specific people and lessons and contacts began to fill my mind. Those thoughts did not seem to be my own, but it seemed like Heavenly Father was giving me the blessing of seeing all the times I had fulfilled His purposes. It was amazing and is still precious to this day. 

The other day here at BYU, I had a similar experience. I was at a forum centered on depression for current and returned missionaries. One of the speakers was talking about how some returned missionaries doubted the effect they had had on their missions. At that moment, I thought back to my own mission, but I only felt happiness. There was not a trace of guilt or doubt. I knew because of all the combinations of my prayers and the confirmations that I received that I did what Heavenly Father needed me to on during those 18 months. 

I do not pray and ask Heavenly Father's opinion nearly as much as I did on the mission; but it is something I want to begin to do again. Too often I find that I base my self-worth on my mistakes rather than on my accomplishments. I think in those moments, I need to go to Heavenly Father for what He thinks about it all. He will not lie or deceive, and I doubt that He will ever fill us with anything other than love, even if we did make a mistake.

God loves us as we are His children. He wants to answer us, guide us, help us. When we turn to Him, He is waiting with empty open arms. Let us learn to turn to Him in our moments of despair and doubt!

I love this picture - Christ accepts us exactly how we are. "Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God." (Moroni 10:32)

His Part and Our Part

Hey y'all! You know how sometimes you just have those weeks you just have something weighing on you constantly? That was me the past couple of days. It seemed to consume my thoughts. Here's the lesson that I learned though: "...for we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do." (2 Nephi 25:23, Book of Mormon)

We begin to make an effort towards fixing a problem, and once we have done all we can in our power, Christ can take over. Brad Wilcox states it this way, “Jesus doesn’t make up the difference. Jesus makes all the difference. Grace is not about filling gaps. It is about filling us.” P.S. Read the rest of his talk - it has changed my life. Find it here. 

Just as I had to realize this week, we need to do our part and then turn to Christ in those moments. Why should we carry around that burden when He has already paid the debt for us? He is literally waiting for us to show faith in him so that He can then remove the burden. Now that I think about it, I do not remember an exact moment when the guilt and weight left me, but as I try to recall it, it is absolutely and completing gone. I cannot find it anywhere in my soul, because Christ has completely removed it.

Sometimes trials will not be removed immediately. In this, we can reference verses from Joseph Smith's experience in Liberty Jail, a time of great affliction for him. Section 122, verses 7-9 say, "And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he? Therefore, hold on thy way..."

Even if our trials take years to be removed, it does not compare to the weight felt by Christ. The weight of each individual sin of each person that has ever lived in the world. The weight of the cross He had to carry, the same cross where He would again suffer before finding His death. The weight of the nails hammered through His hands and feet. The weight of watching us suffer. In those moments, we can come unto Christ because He understands weight. He understands pain. And He does that so we do not have to face it alone.

To end, I want to go back to discussing our part. Not only are we asked to do our part before Christ can take over, but we can repay Christ for His mercy afterwards do by continuing to do our part. This is a quote I heard on my mission that has stuck with me since:

I had a missionary ask me once if I would give my life for the Church. I said, “Elder, I am giving my life for the Church.” I know what he meant. What he meant was, “Would you die for it?” Well, that’s the easy part. That’s a snap! On some days it looks really appealing. That’s the easy part, to die for it. Well, what God needs is people who will live for it, people who will go the distance, people who are in this race we’re talking about that will go all the way to the tape. And some may die along the way and that’s wonderful, but He needs people who will finish the work. He needs people who will wrap this up, and that’s the pledge I make to you, and that’s the pledge He asked. We’re in this together. (Jeffrey R. Holland, Miracle of a Mission. Full talk can be found here.) 

Have a great week, y'all! :)

Pray without Ceasing

Wow, what a week! I feel like I was stretched in every which way this week. All in all though, now that I am looking back, even with the hard times, it was a great week where I really saw the hand of God in my life.

This week, I think I am most grateful for prayer and its power. I love those moments of connection where I can communicate with my Heavenly Father. Even the little prayers over meals or in random moments walking around campus this week provided me necessary comfort.

I am not quite sure when I first experienced this, but I have realized that I feel closest to Him when I truly open my soul and pour out all my thoughts and feelings to Him. I counsel with Him. I cry to Him. I seek His guidance. And He responds with love every time. There are times when I go to Him like that, and all I feel is love, which provides me with the comfort and peace I need to know that everything will be alright. There are other times when I receive a short line of response in my mind that I know are not my own words, but His, and it is exactly what I need to boost me up and allow me to continue forward.

At the beginning of the year, there was a great devotional where Sister Wendy Nelson (wife of Elder Russell M. Nelson of the Quorum of the 12 Apostles) spoke about desperation, and it has been something that has stuck with me. Here are a few lines I like, "When we’re desperate to be guided by heaven, we work harder than ever to tune in to heaven. ...When we’re desperate for any gift of the Spirit, that is when we will finally pray with all the energy of heart for that gift. And the great news is that each spiritual gift we receive takes us one more step forward into our true selves." Alma 34:18 says, "Yea, cry unto him for mercy; for he is mighty to save."

I love the idea of praying with desperation. I learned a lot about that on my mission. Thinking about it now, I am reminded of so many times when I would fall on my knees and pour out everything I had to give, pleading for His help or comfort. One time that sticks out to me was one such prayer. It was after a hard day, so I went out in our living room and started saying a prayer out loud and describing everything that I felt I could not overcome, As I was knelt down crying, I had the image come to my mind of Christ in a similar kneeling position in the Garden of Gethsemane. I knew in that moment, that He was kneeling beside me, pleading for what I was pleading for, crying over what I was crying over.

This week I learned again about praying with that desperate, fervent attitude. I would start off my morning prayers, consumed by my gratitude for another day that I had been given to try to improve. I would be led to ask certain questions, always receiving answers. When I was not on my knees praying, I felt like I was drowning in uncertainty and confusion; but when I prayed, I only felt peace and comfort.

God's love is so overwhelmingly powerful. I cannot express my gratitude for my Father who guides me and loves me completely. Sometimes my soul wants to burst from the happiness that I feel when I think of it. I could go on and on, but instead, I will end with a scripture:

Therefore, fear not, little flock; do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail. Behold, I do not condemn you; go your ways and sin no more; perform with soberness the work which I have commanded you. Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not. Behold the wounds which pierced my side, and also the prints of the nails in my hands and feet; be faithful, keep my commandments, and ye shall inherit the kingdom of heaven. Amen. (D&C 6:34-37)

Power of Innocence

Following my post from last week, here is my picture for this week for my Foundations of the Restoration class:

It is of my younger cousin, Charlie, who has been diagnosed with autism. His innocence and sweet spirit astounds me. As he and I sat on the couch together this week, basking in the sun, I looked at him and how the light was perfectly on him.

It reminded me of how during the First Vision, Joseph Smith was covered in the glorious light that came from the manifestation of the Father and the Son. He was enlightened and because of that, he was able to restore the full gospel of Christ on the Earth.

While most of us will not have a vision like his, God reaches out to each of us with His light in different ways. Even in moments like this where the brilliant sun reaches out its rays, I feel that in a way, it represents God and His light reaching out to me.

I remember one time my freshman year of college after a hard day where I was sitting on my bed that faced a window. As I sat there thinking, the sun seemed to light up more brightly and fill my room with light. At the same time, my soul was filled with happiness, and I knew it was just another little sign that Heavenly Father was reaching out to me with His love.

Fortunately that light is available to everyone that seeks it! Let us all find a little part of it this next week.

The Light of the Restoration

This semester in my Foundations of the Restoration religion class, we were asked to choose a semester long project that would help us apply the Restoration of the Gospel to ourselves. This Restoration was completed through Joseph Smith, a prophet led by God to restore His truths on the Earth. It all started when he had a question about what path he should follow and he asked God about it. I decided for my project that I wanted to try to express my feelings of the Restoration by taking pictures of things that represent my testimony.

Here is the first picture:

To me, the first thing that came to my mind when thinking about the Restoration was light. The Restoration brings light to my life and provides enlightenment for my understanding.

Not only does the Restoration bring light to my life, but it brought and still brings light to the rest of the world. Joseph Smith found himself in darkness and confusion as to which church was the right one, but upon finding out that none of them were and that he would be called to restore the true church like the one Christ established, the Earth would never again be the same. Light was restored, and it never will be removed from the Earth again.

When I saw this sunset, I sat in my car for a few minutes admiring it and its beauty. I find myself doing the same with the Restoration (or the gospel in general); I catch myself in small moments contemplating the purpose that the gospel brings to my life and wondering what it would be like if I did not have it. The gospel defines me and has shaped me, but most of the time, I do not consciously recognize and appreciate its beautiful influence on me. However, I always appreciate when those small moments come and I am reminded with all I have been blessed with and how I have been guided in my life.

God lives. He wants to guide us, and has provided us many ways to find light in our lives. Like the light at the end of the tunnel, He guides us through the darkness, taking our hand and walking with us step by step, until we find the light. And I think that is a process that happens multiple times in our lives when we have to rediscover the light. At least that is what has happened in my life, and I am grateful for each and every time.